Fat People Stories

5 notes

Nicole’s Halloween Candy

Let me preface this with the previous fat story, for anybody who missed it. So, Nicole has this jack-o-lantern basket full of halloween candy sitting on the edge of her desk. The thing is filled to the brim. It’s basically inviting anybody who walks by to take a piece for himself. One morning as I was walking in with a co-worker, he went to grab a piece of candy from the bowl. Nicole swatted at him with the force of a hundred sperm whales and snatched the candy back. I can’t remember word for word what she said after that, but she went on a tirade about how that was her candy and how dare he try to take any. She brought a whole halloween bowl full of candy to the office, a month before halloween, just to eat it all herself. Well, she went on vacation for a couple days last week and this is what happened.

> she goes on vacation last week
> left her bowl of halloween candy that she wouldn’t let anybody else eat
> decide it’s time to prank
> take all the candy out, tape them all around the office. on walls, ceiling, under desks, behind monitors, EVERYWHERE
> leave her a note saying “this is your punishment for getting angry when someone else wants your chocolate. stop being selfish”
> she got back on monday
> huffed and puffed and nearly blew the office down. storming all around delicately removing the tape from each piece of candy
> gets all but one of them that is in a super secret hiding spot
> she knows EXACTLY how many pieces of candy she left and is bitching about not having them all back
> i don’t have a face to explain how hilarious it was that she counted her candy
> last piece of candy is taped behind the water cooler
> she only drinks diet coke

over/under on how many days it will take her to find the last piece? this will be sweet sweet revenge for all the fat shit shes pulled lately.

- posted on forevernicole.com

Filed under nicole halloween candy greedy

7 notes

Busting At the Seams

> Spoiled cousin comes to stay with us, joy unbounded
> 250 lbs of grisle, fat and complaints
> Still, she’s only 14 and she’s family so I try to be nice
> Come home to find the size 2, $400 dress I was supposed to wear to my friend’s wedding in pieces
> Literally ripped at the seams
> Go find her to ask her about it, she’s sitting eating a slice of pizza ON TOP OF ANOTHER SLICE OF PIZZA
> Try not to rage, ask her calmly if she tried on my dress
> She attempts to look cute and innocent, batting her eyelashes and tilting her head down, 8 chins appear
> “No anon” blink, blink “I don’t know what happened to your dress.”
> “I know you’re lying to me.”
> She starts to fake cry but I’m not having any of it and she knows it
> “Whatever, it was an ugly dress anyway and it’s not my fault if you have a body like a man and your stupid dress isn’t meant for a woman’s curves!”
> For the purpose of the story it should be noted that I have C cups and child bearing hips and that, despite her girth, she has no boobs and is shaped like the moon.

Her equally belly-endowed mother also refuses to pay for it, saying that I shouldn’t have left it out in the first place if I didn’t want her to try it on, despite the fact that it was in the back of my closet.

- Anon

Filed under dress cousin bitch ripped

7 notes

Coconut Girl Scout Cookies

> at a bro’s house for weekly open door dinner

> opens his door to everyone to get free food he hopes everyone comes and contributes something, but no expectations. he’s a total bro.

> fat and obscenely unattractive chick comes every week, rarely bringing anything but eating like a starving Ethiopian child

> always bitches about her weight, asks about nutritional content of the FREE food, and always asks for /fit/ness advice and promptly disregards it.

> one day the fat (and getting fatter) hambeast brings two boxes of those coconut girlscout cookies.

> other people brought home-made desserts/side dishes

> cookies remain unopened and unmolested

> fatty says, “well i guess i’ll take these home and bring them back next week.”
> next week arrives; fatty comes empty-handed

> host bro says, “that’s no problem, you brought the cookies last week so we’ll just open those.”
> to this day i’m not sure if he was trolling her or didn’t remember her taking them.
> fatty: “LOL i ate them. i love those and couldn’t resist”
> me: “you ate a whole box? wait, did you actually eat two boxes of girl scout cookies in a week?”
> “HEHE (she actually giggled about this). Yeah, I couldn’t resist them, they’re so yummy!”
> me: “holy shit. Hostbro! Can I check something on your laptop? Let’s see… hm…
> 70 cal/cookie * 15 cookies/box * LMAO!2BOX!!11! = 2100 calories
> 2100 calories in cookies alone
> me: “that’s an entire day’s worth of food over and above your normal food intake. That’s equal to about half a pound of fat in a single week. This is why you have such a hard time with weight loss, right here. If you counted your calories you’d be surprised how many calories are in the food that most people eat everyday.”
> fatty: “FUCK YOU! YOU THINK IT’S SO EASY BUT IT’S NOT! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE!”
> I pull out my wallet and show her a picture I carry with me everywhere
> it’s my before pic.
> 5’11” 275lb in nothing but my underwear. gut hanging over waistband. pointy saggy man-tits. tears of shame in my eyes.
> “yes. I do know what it’s like. someday you’ll come to the same life-changing realizations i did or you’ll have a mobility scooter with your name on it. Until one of those things happens I don’t ever want to hear you complain about your weight again.”

memes - this is why i'm fat

- Anon

Filed under cookies greedy calories

23 notes

A wild fatty fat hambeast appears! Can’t escape!

> Smoking some weed with a friend
> Get invited to a party
> Go over, pretty stoned
> Enter the living room, introduce myself to a circle of people
> A wild hambeast appears!
> Wild hambeast tries to use kiss!
> Wild hambeast missed!

She literally hurled herself after me. I stepped maybe 20 cm back, and due to that she couldn’t grab onto anything. She ended up breaking a glass table with her right hand (cutting it up in the process), and probably broke her left wrist (she screamed like a pig for so long). We called an ambulance and they came and picked her up.

This happened about 20 minutes ago. I am still in shock.

- Anon

Filed under fat pokemon hambeast attacks weed

1 note

Applebee’s Fatty

> Have a bunch of meeting at work
> Go to Applebees to get some Streak and Broccoli
> 3 fatties come in, 2 females, 1 male
> Biggest fatty orders Sweet Tea
> Sweet Tea comes….fatty says not sweet enough
> Open four more packs of sugar
> small rage but ignore
> time to order
> I hear fatty say I want an appetizer, one of the shot things
> I think I miss heard her, mind my own business but now I am curious
> appetizer: chocolate mouse shot dessert
> lunch: chicken pasta
> mfw she orders dessert

- Anon

Filed under applesbees sweet tea dessert